Maybe it just takes a mile...

It seems that every time I have an epiphany, it happens at the most random times.  Driving to work or listening to music or even couple days ago when I was playing Angry Birds (I told you it was random). The last week or so I have had several.

Epiphany #1
About a month and a half ago I was called to serve in the Young Womens in our ward.  It would be an understatement to say that my own experience in Young Womens was not the best.  I have spent many years trying to block out that time in my life.  There might have been tears shed when the bishopric came to our house to ask if I was serve.  There might have been even more tears after that.  It might even be safe to say that I was hoping they'd realize they made a mistake.  I honestly did not know what I could possibly offer and the sour taste in my mouth did nothing to help it.  Fast forward to last Wednesday.  It was time to go to mutual and I was driving the mile from our house to the church, when it hit me.  My Young Women's experience was 10 years ago.  I've had 10 years of dwelling on the hurt and negativity of that experience.  10 years is a long time.  Now before you resort to the obvious 'duh' in regards to my previous sentence, maybe it takes stating the complete obvious in order for you to get your priorities in order.  Enter epiphany.  My experience is what it is.  Yes, it sucked, but I can't change it.  I can't go back and fix it.  It happened and while it affected me more than I would like to admit, maybe that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing.  Maybe it's okay that it happened the way it did.  Maybe in order for me to do what I am supposed to do now, I needed to go through that.  It's okay.  I am okay.  And after 10 years that feels really good.

Epiphany #2
One of my biggest strengths is my ability to accept change.  I can totally deal with after holiday let down and last minute cancellations.  When people move away or something really good ends, I just can't wait to see what come next and I look forward to it with complete excitement.   Sounds just like me, right mom? Oh wait, no.  I have that completely backwards.  I do not deal well with change.  It tends to put me in a funk for days and days.  Recently I lost a friendship with someone that I had considered to be a close friend.  The loss of this friendship affected me more than I thought it would.  At first I was angry.  Then that anger turned into hurt.  For whatever reason I was under the assumption that this friendship meant as much to them as it did to me and the realization that it didn't...really hurt.  It still makes me sad to see how much distance is between us and I am not sure we can ever go back.  The problem is that not seeing this person is not an option, so I can continue to be hurt and complain....or I can realize this is part of life and move on.  I choose to move on.

Last, but not least.  Epiphany #3
I have always felt a little weird.  A little out of place.  A little uncomfortable.  Maybe everyone feels that way or maybe it's just me.  Either way, I've been thinking about that a lot recently.  I noticed that I feel the need to apologize for things.  A lot.  I'll ask a question and then think it was stupid and apologize.  I'll want to do something for someone and then assume they will think I'm weird, so I won't.  I want to say things or I will say things and then spend hours repeating it in my head and picking it apart.  I don't like that part of me.  I was watching a talk show and this actress was on talking about how she loves sloths.  She then shared a video of her having a complete melt down because her husband "rented" a sloth to be at her birthday party.  It was totally random and a little odd.  And yet...she seemed completely confident.  That's what she liked and that is who she is and she was totally okay with it.  Weird and all.  I want to  be happy with who I am.  All the weird parts (and there are a lot) included.  I'm completely random.  I cry at least once a day and it's usually at really bizarre stuff like commercials.  I am a creature of habit.  When I like something I REALLY like it and probably tend to go a little overboard.  I love music.  I don't like unloading the dishwasher.  I get jealous.  I hit snooze at least 10 times every morning.  I watch Nickelodeon.  I tear up whenever I see anything related to the 1996 Olympic Gymnastics team.  Charmin toilet paper commercials bug me.  My train of thought goes from point A to point Z in 2.3 seconds.  I love to vacuum.  I like to laugh.  I can be loud and talk really fast.  I want to be noticed in my job and feel like I am doing something right.  I worry...constantly.  I love Andy's hugs.   I hate mushrooms and being tickled. I am just me.

Christmas....

It's almost a month later, but I thought I'd post some pictures from our Christmas adventure in Mexico. We went to Puerto Penasco (Rocky Point) with my family for Christmas this year.  We had a BLAST.  The week consisted of  four-wheeling, games, presents, movies, playing on the beach, swimming, exploring, finding shells, walking, Nerf gun competition and war, sunset cruise, trip to an aquarium, breaking a pinata and flying over the sea in an Ultralight.  It was quite a week.  Thanks mom and dad for the BEST Christmas! 

Small things...

I am not a fan of New Years.  Never have been really.  Maybe it's that things change and I don't do well with change.  But since it is inevitable, I figure I should try to make the best of it.  I always do better if I have something to look forward to.  Small things.  They seem to help.  Even if they're seemingly insignificant to others.

Things I'm looking forward to (so far) in 2012

This movie

And this movie

 

Hunger Games playlist

Visits with these guys

 

Finishing these

Can't forget this

Student-isms

Sound of the week: sh

This sound can always be a little tricky because some kids like to share their knowledge of inappropriate words that can begin with the sh sound. However, it's still a sound they need to know so we truck ahead and I just keep my fingers crossed that it's kept first grade appropriate. Well my students delivered. I was looking over their papers and in the midst of lots of ships, sharks and shots I stumbled across one that I couldn't decipher. One thing I LOVE about first graders is phonetic spelling. I love seeing how they sound out words and see the progress as they learn. However I had no idea was a 'Shimimntmers' was. When he told me what the word was I couldn't even pretend to hold back my laughter.

sh word winner is: Shiver me timbers...hence the pirate.

LOVE IT!

Runner up just might be the word tishoo

I love 1st graders!

Missing...

Something is missing in my life. I feel off. I feel weird. I feel out of place. It's like I can't find somewhere that I fit. 100%...completely....fully fit. I don't think I've ever felt that way.
Then the more I try to fit the farther I get and the more out of place I feel.
I wish I could figure it out enough to fix it.

And if you feel just like a tourist, in the city you were born
Then it's time to go
And define your destination
There's so many different places to call home
Because when you find yourself the villain in the story you have written
It's plain to see
That sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemption's
Would you agree?
If so please show me
-Death Cab for Cutie: You are a Tourist

Mark...

This post is mostly for Andy and I. It is a way of trying to record the the thoughts and feelings we've been having for the last week. Last Sunday we found out that one of Andy's best friends had passed away. He had been diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gerhig's disease) in 2009.

When Andy and I were dating and after we got married I had heard a lot about Mark. I heard lots of funny stories and we spent quite a few nights with Mark and his wife Elizabeth. As often happens, life got in the way, and we didn't see Mark and Liz as much as we wanted. Despite that, the fact that Mark was Andy's best friend never changed. He was always there. When Mark became a police officer he would come to our house and bang on the front door yelling "Mesa PD". One time my school got broken into and Mark was the responding officer. He called me and met me at the school, where he proceeded to walk around with me just to make sure that I and my classroom were okay.

When we found out that Mark had been diagnosed with ALS it was really hard. We went to rallies and benefits for him and despite it all he was still Mark. One of the last times I saw Mark was at a benefit for him at Mesa High. At this point Mark was in a wheelchair and was only able to talk by using this computer that he typed on by using his eyes. When we walked up and Mark saw us the first thing he said to Andy was "Settle down". This was a joke between them and we will always remember that moment.
Andy's parents told us that Mark had passed away last Sunday. That afternoon we went over to Mark and Liz's house to see Liz. She told us what had happened and was very calm. I remember how calm and peaceful it felt in their home. Monday was a hard day for me. It was hard for Andy to express his emotions, but I was doing enough of that for both of us. The viewing was Friday night. It was amazing to see how many lives Mark had touched. When we got to the viewing there were tables set up with pictures of Mark and his family. They also had his police uniform on display. 2 officers stood guard by the casket. We saw Mark's parents first. They both hugged us and I overheard both of them tell Andy how much Mark loved him. We saw Mark's brothers and they both told Andy the same thing. Finally we saw Liz. Andy went over and gave her a big hug. He had written her a letter and she thanked him for it and then said, "I hope you know how much Mark loved you." It was amazing. Here she is...heartbroken and yet she can still find words of comfort to give to Andy. I gave her a hug, but I couldn't think of anything to say. "I'm sorry..." didn't seem enough. We just looked at each other and she smiled and then we moved away to make room for more people.
Saturday was the funeral. Because Mark was a police officer his funeral was with the complete honor guard and everything. I can't put into words how touching it is to see all these officers in uniform paying tribute to their friend. The funeral was very sweet. Sad and emotional, but funny and uplifting. Mark's family shared memories and funny stories of him and Andy was sitting beside me going, "Yep...that was Mark" and "I remember that...". On our way to the cemetery Andy was very quiet. I asked him how he was feeling and he said "I didn't want the funeral to end. I just wanted them to keep talking about Mark."
Today was a hard day. I have been crying on and off since Friday. I have so many emotions right now. Part of me feels guilty for being so sad. Especially when Liz and Mark's family are the ones going through this. I feel heartbroken for Mark's 5 kids. I feel inspired by Liz and her countless hours of service. I feel honored to have known Mark.

Random mush of babbling...

Yesterday I had a very unpleasant encounter with another individual. It was loud and angry and hurtful. There was swearing and accusations thrown at me from this person and despite it all, I just found myself sitting there and apologizing. I then proceeded to spend the next hour crying (not in front of this person) and then went home and dwelt on in for the rest of the evening. I was told by someone else that I need to put a barricade up and not let this affect my life. Don't take it home with me and don't think about it again. Problem is....I have NO idea how to do that. I don't know how to let it go. Here is this person....a person that is unstable, irrational and defensive and frankly a person that I don't really even like that much and despite knowing these things about her I still took it home and let it fester. People say "let it go" and "don't let it get to you".
HOW?!? How do I do that? What is it about me that can't stand that someone (even someone crazy) is mad at me? I would love to not care. I would love to let it go. I just don't know quite how to do that. I worry about what people think about me. I worry about me saying the wrong thing. I worry about losing friends and second guess a lot of what I say and do because of this. Even now as I write this I worry about who (if anyone) will read it and what they will think.
Argh. I think it's time for some chocolate.

Well hello....

Can't believe it's September already. In some aspects the summer flew by. In other aspects is has dragged more slowly than anything ever has before. I blame the weather. When it's hot, the days drag and there is nothing else to do but count the minutes until you are laying in your air conditioned bedroom cocoon. Despite the tear inducing heat we have managed to have some fun.

First off...California. I'll let this picture speak for itself.
If you want more of the adventure...go here.

Bring on the midnight showing of Harry Potter.

Then my birthday. I have great friends who surprised me with...
dinner...

amazing presents...

and a show at Jester'Z Improv Theater...which was amazing.

Then it was off to San Diego with my mom and sister-in-law to see Mary Poppins
Birthday weekend was capped off by going to the Death Cab for Cutie concert with Andy
Somewhere in all of this school started and life is back into some resemblance of a routine.

Looking forward to: Colorado & cooler weather