Thursday, February 02, 2012

Maybe it just takes a mile...

It seems that every time I have an epiphany, it happens at the most random times.  Driving to work or listening to music or even couple days ago when I was playing Angry Birds (I told you it was random). The last week or so I have had several.

Epiphany #1
About a month and a half ago I was called to serve in the Young Womens in our ward.  It would be an understatement to say that my own experience in Young Womens was not the best.  I have spent many years trying to block out that time in my life.  There might have been tears shed when the bishopric came to our house to ask if I was serve.  There might have been even more tears after that.  It might even be safe to say that I was hoping they'd realize they made a mistake.  I honestly did not know what I could possibly offer and the sour taste in my mouth did nothing to help it.  Fast forward to last Wednesday.  It was time to go to mutual and I was driving the mile from our house to the church, when it hit me.  My Young Women's experience was 10 years ago.  I've had 10 years of dwelling on the hurt and negativity of that experience.  10 years is a long time.  Now before you resort to the obvious 'duh' in regards to my previous sentence, maybe it takes stating the complete obvious in order for you to get your priorities in order.  Enter epiphany.  My experience is what it is.  Yes, it sucked, but I can't change it.  I can't go back and fix it.  It happened and while it affected me more than I would like to admit, maybe that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing.  Maybe it's okay that it happened the way it did.  Maybe in order for me to do what I am supposed to do now, I needed to go through that.  It's okay.  I am okay.  And after 10 years that feels really good.

Epiphany #2
One of my biggest strengths is my ability to accept change.  I can totally deal with after holiday let down and last minute cancellations.  When people move away or something really good ends, I just can't wait to see what come next and I look forward to it with complete excitement.   Sounds just like me, right mom? Oh wait, no.  I have that completely backwards.  I do not deal well with change.  It tends to put me in a funk for days and days.  Recently I lost a friendship with someone that I had considered to be a close friend.  The loss of this friendship affected me more than I thought it would.  At first I was angry.  Then that anger turned into hurt.  For whatever reason I was under the assumption that this friendship meant as much to them as it did to me and the realization that it didn't...really hurt.  It still makes me sad to see how much distance is between us and I am not sure we can ever go back.  The problem is that not seeing this person is not an option, so I can continue to be hurt and complain....or I can realize this is part of life and move on.  I choose to move on.

Last, but not least.  Epiphany #3
I have always felt a little weird.  A little out of place.  A little uncomfortable.  Maybe everyone feels that way or maybe it's just me.  Either way, I've been thinking about that a lot recently.  I noticed that I feel the need to apologize for things.  A lot.  I'll ask a question and then think it was stupid and apologize.  I'll want to do something for someone and then assume they will think I'm weird, so I won't.  I want to say things or I will say things and then spend hours repeating it in my head and picking it apart.  I don't like that part of me.  I was watching a talk show and this actress was on talking about how she loves sloths.  She then shared a video of her having a complete melt down because her husband "rented" a sloth to be at her birthday party.  It was totally random and a little odd.  And yet...she seemed completely confident.  That's what she liked and that is who she is and she was totally okay with it.  Weird and all.  I want to  be happy with who I am.  All the weird parts (and there are a lot) included.  I'm completely random.  I cry at least once a day and it's usually at really bizarre stuff like commercials.  I am a creature of habit.  When I like something I REALLY like it and probably tend to go a little overboard.  I love music.  I don't like unloading the dishwasher.  I get jealous.  I hit snooze at least 10 times every morning.  I watch Nickelodeon.  I tear up whenever I see anything related to the 1996 Olympic Gymnastics team.  Charmin toilet paper commercials bug me.  My train of thought goes from point A to point Z in 2.3 seconds.  I love to vacuum.  I like to laugh.  I can be loud and talk really fast.  I want to be noticed in my job and feel like I am doing something right.  I worry...constantly.  I love Andy's hugs.   I hate mushrooms and being tickled. I am just me.